Heart and Soul
by Orin Drake
Summary: YAOI Demyx x Axel, Axel x Demyx, mentions of Roxas. Y'ever notice how overly happy people hide a most interesting dark side..? Finally complete.
1. Heart and Soul

"Heart and Soul" and the general sexiness/wrongness of "Heart and Soul" is completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. Square-Enix and Disney own _Kingdom Hearts_ and the characters contained within... but I wish I did. I wish a lot of things, though.

Background: A certain someone (who I am rather certain would not want their name attached to this grin) requested Demyx/Axel. I had _no idea_ how the hell to do that, so a few random sentences waited for me on the hard drive for some weeks. And then this happened. It was supposed to be lighter, too... a little making out and whatnot. Well, um... I failed miserably. That's not to say I don't still love this, but... geez. Apparently I can find angst and darkness anywhere. Whoo hoo! 

Heart and Soul  
by Orin Drake

Just another day in the World That Never Was... and Axel was bored. Damn bored. Not to mention pissed off. Roxas just up and _leaving_ like that... little bastard. He'd chosen a nice, dark alleyway--one of many nice, dark alleyways--to brood in, hoping not to be interrupted.

He really should have known better. If anyone would be likely to fully interrupt his "moods", it would be Demyx. Axel knew it was the musician long before he actually saw him strolling around the corner. A little skip in his step. Whistling, happily... quite idiotically, really...

The footsteps stopped. He must have noticed the brooding redhead. "And what are you doing here?" The grunt and mumble he got answered enough. "Ah. Being grumpy."

"Not grumpy." Axel complained quietly. "Go away."

Demyx grinned brightly. "Oh, Mr. Grouchy probably just needs some company."

"If you wandered out here to get your ass kicked..." the pyro warned.

It went unheeded, as always. "I'm kinda bored, actually."

Axel made a scoffing sound. "So you sought me out for amusement. I'm honored. But, as you pointed out... I'm grumpy. Go away."

"I'll cheer you up." The musician offered--suddenly standing very close.

What an... odd look the redhead was getting. It was kinda freaky. Freakier than Saix on a "good day". When Demyx actually took another step closer, Axel found himself a lot more freaked out. "Whoah, wait a minute." What to say, what to say... "I'll scream." Exactly one second later, he felt the overwhelming urge to slap himself on the forehead with the palm of his hand. _Way to go. Now I sound like a girl. And a really annoying girl, at that._

"Oh, no one's gonna hear you." The other teased, pressing closer. Too close. _Way_ too close.

Axel couldn't help but be a little surprised. --Alright, a lot surprised. Demyx was so... he was such a... he didn't strike one as... He just wasn't really dominating material.

The blond chuckled quietly at the exceedingly shocked look he was getting. "Come on. It's not like you want to get away or anything."

"Now how the hell do you know that?" the fire mage challenged, hoping to distract the guy enough to run away to a nice, safe, comfy tunnel o' darkness.

Demyx paid no attention to the attempted escape. "I know, I know. You're not used to giving in. Well, tough. Shut up for once."

It wasn't like him at all. Not that Axel really got to know the guy all _that_ well, but... enough. He never fought for fun, never called anyone a nasty name... certainly never approached someone who'd never shown interest. And _especially_ never reached up without permission--"What's under that coat, huh?" the musician teased, taking hold of Axel's zipper, but not yet pulling.

Nothing. He wore nothing but pants under the coat. His mind raced. Too weird, too weird--had to think of something. "We'll get caught!"

"Lame, Axel." Demyx chided, starting the zipper in a _very_, _slow_, descent. "You know _everybody's_ schedule. I know you do. That's how you sneak around so easily."

Uh... oh. "Then how do you know we're not about to be caught?"

"Because I've been sneaking around watching you." He tossed back easily, at once looking innocent and devious. "And to think the rest of you are wasting all your time fighting."

Shit shit shit. Not that it wasn't tempting to get a little action, sure, but... something was feeling off. Extremely off. Like Saix in a good mood kind of off. "Look, um... let's not... ruin our friendship." There was that urge to facepalm again...

It only drove the zipper down further as the amusement brightened on Demyx's face. "Oh? Are we really friends?"

Panic. Breathe. Plan. _Get away._ Axel laughed nervously. "Nah. I just said that to get you to stop."

The silly smile faded entirely as the zipper stopped just short of letting the coat fall open. "It's not like I don't have feelings, y'know."

The pyro had to pause with the insanity of that statement. "Actually, it kinda does, considering we all--"

"Explain the little golden boy, then." The musician interrupted, straight-faced. Way too seriously.

Roxas? Well, the answer was obvious. "He's different."

Demyx rolled his eyes a little. "I wasn't exactly talking about _him_, here."

Then what-- "Oh." So. Apparently he and Roxas weren't exactly a secret.

"Okay, fine." The blond dismissed, shrugging a bit and suddenly regaining the good humor that seemed so far away just seconds before. "So 'emotion' might not be _entirely_... honest. But I think we all know we can still feel pleasure. So c'mon." With one more very slight tug of the zipper, the coat easily parted. Well, with no shirt... next step. "Off with the pants."

Sure moved quickly for a musician, didn't he... "Why don't you find someone else a little more... your speed?"

"My _speed_? Afraid no one in there comes with a 'moderately sane switch'."

Axel chuckled. Hey, it was true. "Look, uh... can I take a rain check, then? I've got stuff to do and--"

The redhead became quite puzzled when his words had suddenly stopped. Or perhaps a more proper description was, the words had been knocked from him. The confusion blended into an instantaneous headache as he stared at the blond, wide-eyed. He'd just been slammed against the wall. Rather hard. By _Demyx_. "I thought you were a pacifist."

"So did I." He responded, honestly enough. "Now do I have to beat you over the head with my sitar and drag you back to my place or what?"

"How very caveman of you." The redhead mumbled, rubbing the back of his head. His shoulders weren't exactly feeling so hot, either.

There wasn't really an instant when the normally timid and somewhat idiot-like man snapped. The patience simply seemed to drain from him until it was gone completely--he grasped Axel by the collar and hauled him up high, giving him another firm slam against the wall for good measure. "Pants. Off. Now."

Even considering the circumstances, the fire mage had to wonder out loud, "Why don't _yo_u take care of it?"

No smiles, no shy grins--no emotional at all. "What do I look like? A sexual deviant?"

Axel thought it smarter not to call his hairstyle into question. It was an... interesting response, though. For once, someone in the Organization wanted something consensual. Well... as long as they were both gonna get something out of it... He pretended like he wasn't hanging a few inches off the ground, unzipping his pants and letting them drop.

Finally, Demyx let him down. "Leave the boots." He gave a dismissing wave to Axel's raised eyebrow. "Just takes too long to lace up again."

"How thoughtful of you." The other mumbled, letting his coat fall of of his shoulders before stepping out of the pants. What the hell, might as well go all-out. Except for the boots. That was kinda funny. Or would be, at some later point in time.

The musician undressed quickly, betraying his need to accomplish the task at hand. The puzzling thing: he kept the gloves on. That thought nearly made Axel miss his instruction. "Turn around."

He swallowed. Well... he'd never been fucked against a wall before. Might be kind fun. Might hurt like hell. Somehow it really didn't seem the smartest thing to be debating at that very moment. He had the overwhelming feeling that looking over his shoulder... would not be good. "Off" no longer held enough meaning to describe the situation...

Demyx not-so-lightly kicked Axel's feet apart. "Farther." He ordered, strangely determined.

Yeah. Uh-oh. The redhead opened his mouth, his mind racing to find something to say that might get him out of this mess--feeling something not entirely familiar and far too warm against the small of his back. Pressing, grinding, sliding lower... Panic, again. Nervousness. He didn't mean to..? "You're... you wouldn't..?"

There was silence, at first... a long, cold silence. The musician finally moved, pulling away just long enough to retrieve something from his coat pocket, coating his gloved fingers. "Now would I do that to you?"

Honestly, he didn't know. And he sure as hell didn't want to admit that. He cringed; not at the sudden, forced acceptance of a single finger pushed into him, but the voice. It just... it wasn't Demyx's voice. It _was_, but it... couldn't have been. Too frozen, too tired. Too everything the man wasn't.

Two fingers, too quickly--but Axel didn't dare complain. He suddenly truly felt that wall in front of him, the thought of escaping drowned out by some coiled, shivering fear inside. He didn't know what it was and certainly never wanted to, feeling a sort of darkness rolling off of the man behind him that wasn't anything he'd ever experienced before.

The fingers scissored; stretching, pulling, rough before being removed entirely. There was impatience, there... a different sort of panic. The redhead grit his teeth when the tearing stab of heat came, not entirely being prepared for it mentally or physically. Pain, he could deal with. Blood... Nobodies didn't bleed, really. They did tear, though. They did rip. There was only enough lubrication between them to raise sensation... and ease the burden, a little.

Axel didn't really think the guy ever had it in him. Even as he felt hips slamming against the backs of his own, he just... couldn't bring himself to believe what Demyx was doing.

It became especially surreal when the musician gasped out the words, quietly, reverently, "Y'ever do this with Roxas?"

Realization hit a hell of a lot harder than he'd thought possible. "You're _jealous_." The redhead accused. But... of which one..?

"Don't be silly." A little bit of the Demyx he knew, again. "I'd need a heart for that."

Fear. That was... that was definitely what he was feeling. Or at least what he remembered feeling. Fear and... sickness... discomfort... being forced to see... forced to face something he'd rather have denied...

Then the thrusts turned violent, pressing the body pinned beneath him against the harsh, cutting brick wall. "You know what it's like to have everything stolen from you, Axel? _Everything_?"

He felt sick. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to answer. He was cold and aching and _dammit_ he didn't want to _know_ let alone think about it...

"Did you have a good life before Darkness showed up one day and tore it all apart in front of you? Did anyone die screaming for you and you just couldn't reach them?"

Axel's eyes were already squeezed shut, but he wished for something more. Something that would take away the pain he wasn't even feeling any longer. There was an open wound behind him, thrusting violently into him, open and scarred and never able to heal regardless of not having a heart...

"I _fought_. I actually _fought_ the Heartless. And look what good it did me. They took more than my heart, _Number Eight_. My fucking _soul_ is _gone_."

The fire mage lost track--of everything. Time, the agony inside and outside, the number of thrusts, words, panting. He only knew of the sudden hitch in breath behind him, then stillness. Quiet. But it wasn't over... and no one was sated in the least. The man behind him could only stand there, leaning against the warmth he had to offer. And then... there was something else.

A mantra, a prayer repeated over and over with every breath; and if Axel hadn't known those words so well for himself, whispered in the dark every night after Roxas had left, he absolutely never would have heard them at all. "I want it back... I want it back... I want it back..."

Even with the power he'd just held over Axel, the blond felt so... broken... The redhead fought down the urge to turn and embrace his slackened attacker... if only because he himself wanted it so badly. And no, one did not give in to those urges. One did not pretend compassion.

Finally, the musician pulled away, pulling his clothes back on with the same swiftness as he'd gotten them off--but without the grace. Lacking desire entirely.

Carefully, still pressed against the wall and having absolutely no will to do anything else, Axel finally looked over his shoulder. It was a weird question... one he knew he shouldn't be asking. "Why?"

Even with that sweet, silly smile back in place... the words dripped a darkness all their own. "Well. If I can't get what I want... then I'll take what I can get. See you 'round." He gave a wave... then walked back to wherever he'd come from.

A musician... an artist without a heart... it had to be awful even if he couldn't feel it. Not that Axel had any empathy. He just couldn't afford it.

He could ignore how his hands shook as he dressed. But he found that there was no way to suppress that... ranting. Those words... cut deep to the core. Too deep to ever fully forget.

Maybe Demyx had a point. The bastard really was heartless.

* * *

This is so not at all what I was aiming for. grin But I like it. I do like it. You know what they say... the closer you get to light...

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


	2. Heart and Soul: Horizon

"Heart and Soul" and the general wrongness that is "Heart and Soul" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. Square-Enix and Disney own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2 and the characters contained within... but I wish I did. I wish a lot of things, though.

Background: A second chapter of this was certainly unexpected. Of course, Demyx/Axel wasn't exactly expected, either... and unfortunately for some, this chapter has no sex. No warnings except maybe language and some bizarre concepts. In general. 

Heart and Soul: Horizon   
by Orin Drake

Just another night. Or day. Or... or whatever the hell. It's not as if anyone could tell by the sky. Not as if anyone ever actually bothered to _look_ at the sky all that often, anyway. Nothing to see there but some ridiculous dream that damn well didn't matter anymore.

The fire mage was just starting to settle into his comfortably dismal mood when a too-chirpy voice interrupted. "Feelin' lonely?"

"No." He denied immediately, bothering neither to turn and attack the approaching figure nor throw himself off of the building he was perched on. He was just in too foul a mood to care.

"Yes you are." The extremely wide smile was _felt_ before it was seen. Demyx invited himself to sit beside the brooding redhead, similarly looking out at the dark streets.

Axel was not amused. Though... well, at least it would shatter the boring silence. And then some. "Does alcohol work on Nobodies?" He could really have used something to stop the thoughts for a while. Fire and violence just weren't cutting it. Not to mention, he'd been informed that if he set one more thing on fire that was not "regularly on fire", Saix was going to do something unrepeatable to areas he'd rather not have handled quite that roughly.

"Dunno." The musician shrugged, stretching his legs out, off the side of the rooftop. "Never tried."

Annoyance turned to curiosity almost too quickly for his comfort. "As in never-never, or just as a Nobody?"

"Never-never." He responded, still smiling. "When you see so many really talented musicians go down because they turned out to be lushes... well. No thanks. I'd rather not chance it."

That was... funny, really. Or Axel thought so. "Yeah, but... doesn't matter now, does it?"

The blonde's standard blissfully moronic expression slipped, just a little. "Guess not." He made an effort to grin. "Got a bar around here?"

He truly wished he hadn't been looking, hadn't witnessed what could really pass for emotions running across the other's face... it was making Axel extremely uneasy. Not to mention... it was bringing back memories from an encounter not that long ago. Despite his brain _screaming_ against it... he wanted to ask. He _had_ to ask. "Hey, uh... A few days back, when... yeah. And you were... you said... some things..."

The over-compensation for the shivering discomfort was palpable--but Demyx seemed to have a practiced hand at distraction and denial. "Anything good?"

Unfortunately for the both of them, the redhead had the market of distraction and denial somewhat cornered. The game ended immediately with the narrowing of his eyes. "Dammit, you _know_ what I'm talking about." For one, quiet instant, he considered stopping if only to spare the feelings of those wide blue eyes staring back at him--but they were Nobodies. Just Nobodies. "All that _shit_ you dumped on me! About your Other's life. About what you lost. _Why did you have to do that? Why do you just go on pretending like anything _matters_, like we could _ever _feel _anything _now?_"

The musician looked away slowly, staring down at the street below with several minutes of thoughtful silence. When he finally responded, it was a soft, quiet bomb. "You've got to stop buying the Superior's shit, Axel."

The fire mage was far more taken aback by the blond's language than his verbal mutiny. He opened his mouth to question further, but thought better of it when their eyes met again.

"Admit it." Demyx implored, softly. "You feel. Maybe not everything... not all the way, but... there's something there."

The redhead could definitely _feel_ Roxas' name in the other's throat... glad it went unspoken. It was a point made, regardless. "What if there is?"

"Then we have hearts." The musician insisted. "We're _not_... _nobodies_."

"But we're not..." Axel searched for a word that might be suitable to describe their state of being. "Whole..."

"True." He conceded. "But we're not _nothing_, either."

There was a long silence. One that felt so immense that the redhead became uncertain of whether anyone could break it... but finally he gained the courage to try. "Why are you even talking to me, anyway?"

Demyx shrugged without looking at him, smiling... though his usual expression was faltering quite a bit. "Guess I'm just... kinda dumb, huh?"

That's what everyone thought. What everyone said, constantly. But the redhead... was learning better of it. Much better. Sure the kid was clumbsy--he didn't want to fight and often it seemed like he really did have the mind and maturity level of a slightly retarded child, but... "No." He responded, almost too quiet to hear. "I don't think you are."

Another silence grew between them--but not so tense. Not as insurmountable and vast. "Oh." The blond spoke at last, seeming nearly... worried.

"It's not like I'll tell anyone." Axel assured, not particularly certain why he was bothering. "Hell, I wish I'd thought of that. Acting like a moron so they'd leave me the fuck alone."

He seemed appreciative of the idea, leaning back on his elbows and gazing at the sky for a moment. "I think we're kinda similar." Demyx finally answered the earlier question, about why he was talking to the pyro in the first place. "I think... Roxas was, too." The smile fell completely from his voice, but not from his lips. "Just... didn't get to say so. Now it's too late. Again."

_"Again"..? --Oh._ The redhead got the distinct impression the words that had spilled so bitterly from Demyx's lips during that "meeting" in the alleyway had something to do with it. He'd spoken of his life being torn apart... people screaming for him that he couldn't save... it gave him the shudders. He purposely kept his past as a "full-hearted somebody" locked away, repressed. He didn't want to remember.

And then there was that... _other_ thing the musician had to be called out on. "You were hoping to... be with us?"

"Dumb, like I said." That fake plastered smile was getting a little painful. "Can't help wishful thinking sometimes."

Axel felt chilled, suddenly. "Wish you'd said something."

No, the blonde was no stranger to heartache... but neither was he a stranger to covering it all up and trying with blood-slicked and desperate hands to grasp on to another moment. Perhaps a better moment. Humor returned, though tentative. "Yeah, me too!"

He really couldn't help but grin a little... but it dissolved quickly. "I think... Roxas would have left no matter what. It's just who the kid was. But... but at least we could have... y'know." He didn't want to get all _sappy_, after all. "And now... now I think we're all gonna die."

That appeared to be no jarring revelation to Demyx. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

The musician wished vaguely for a sunrise... or a sunset... A distant, perfect thing of beauty to gaze at with dying dreams. "Are we even alive to begin with?"

Axel snorted. "Hey, _you're_ the one trying to convince me that we have hearts!"

"I know, I know!" he defended, chuckling. "I... I'm kinda... nervous about it." He swallowed, uncertain of whether or not to speak his thoughts... but really, he had no reason not to keep them silent. Axel had been the only one not to demand he shut up on a regular basis. "I mean... I want to think I'll find my heart... all of it... So I don't want to be turned into a Dusk, but... I know I'll just have to fight Sora at some point. A-and, I... I'm a little... I mean, I was never religious, but..."

"You're worried about your soul when you die."

Though he pretended not to be, Demyx was taken aback by how easily his concern had been grasped. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

The redhead shrugged, glancing at the heart-shaped moon that seemed to have everything to do with their destinies. "I guess I am, too."

The lump in the musician's throat was not fit for a heartless Nobody. "Oh. Well... make me a promise then?" He forced a chuckle when he realized how very final and serious he'd sounded. "I mean, you don't have to _keep_ it... just lie to me here."

Axel's grin had never been so hard to maintain--but he was in good company. "Okay, then."

In truth, Demyx wasn't even sure what he was asking. He just knew it had to be expressed somehow. "Roxas is still part of Sora, so... if there's any way at all to help him..."

"Yeah." It was a sincere agreement, acknowledged by absolute silence.

They stayed there for a great while, staring at the place where they wished the sun would rise. Only when it became clear that no amount of wishing or hoping or vicious longing would bring the cosmos any closer, the musician lifted to excuse himself. "Well, I got another stupid mission. Something about stealing a stone in the underworld or... something. Catch ya later."

Nodding, the fire mage dismissed him with a small wave before returning his gaze to the horizon. Maybe... if he stayed just a little longer...

* * *

...I don't know. I just... don't know.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


	3. Heart and Soul: Ache

"Heart and Soul" and the general wrongness that is "Heart and Soul" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. Square-Enix and Disney own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2 and the characters contained within... but I wish I did. I wish a lot of things, though. I wish donuts fell from the sky on occasion. But not all the time, 'cause that'd kinda suck.

Background: Hey, third chapter! And some... more insane freakiness, actually. I had no idea what was going on when I wrote it, and I'm not sure I do now that I've read it over and edited it several times. But that's okay. 

Hearts and Soul: Ache  
by Orin Drake

Axel was glad for the constant night of The World That Never Was. Made it just a little more fun to sneak away from the castle and wander the streets, enjoying the darkness. Granted, if anyone were actually looking for him, it was useless to attempt to hide in the shadows... but he could believe that he might escape, for a while.

It came as a true and honest shock to catch a glimpse of blond hair as he was passing one of the familiar narrow alleys. He skidded to a halt, backing up quickly--almost disappointed to see Demyx. Though, chancing a lingering glance... the musician didn't quite look himself. He was leaning against a wall with his head down, soaked with rain and seeming... terribly sad. Unnaturally sad, considering his usual disposition. Pathetically sad, even.

Honestly, Axel was hoping he could dart away and pretend not to have seen. It was just a little too disturbing to witness the blond in that state. _Damn_ him, though... he lifted his foot to slowly back away, but _damn him_... he just... _damn him_. With a sigh, he surrendered to that goddamn nagging _whatever_ the hell in his head and called out quietly. "Hey... um... Y'alright there, Dem?"

Immediately upon hearing the voice, the other Nobody straightened, looking startled. Realizing it was the fire mage--not any of the others, who'd have come only to take advantage of his weakness--he cleared his throat slightly and managed the dull shadow of a ridiculously fake smile. "Yeah, fine. Thanks for asking."

He should have walked away. There and then, he should have told their ninth member to stay away from him, never to talk to him again, or thrown a chakram and taken off and _run_. Something in the redhead's gut twisted. Something was _so_ beyond wrong, beyond the wrongness that had ever existed in him before... and he didn't want to acknowledge it; certainly didn't want to _know_ about it. Tearing, splitting--things were rending apart and he couldn't even open his mouth to order a halt.

Demyx could sense Axel's desire to run... but it didn't matter. He... he had to talk to _someone_... He simply could not look up to meet the other's eyes. "I... I ran into Sora. In the Underworld."

Bile. Bile and stomach cramps. "Oh." Out of control, already overpowering--worlds were crashing down...

"I asked Roxas to come home, but... Sora didn't understand." Demyx's voice was quivering, slightly.

Axel only wanted to run away. He was getting that feeling again, that awful feeling of inescapable horror--like a nightmare. A nightmare he couldn't escape from, brought to life. More real than when he was alive. He wouldn't be _allowed_ to wake up this time...

Hysterical. That's what anyone, Nobody or otherwise, would have called the blond--and he absolutely knew that. But he just... he couldn't stop it, already too far, too late, too much, too heavy, too agonizing... He couldn't keep the ranting away from his own mind, spilling too heavily from his lips. All the thoughts he'd been having over the past several hours, his own waking nightmare encasing him. Sora's very presence had triggered something awful. "What _are_ we? I'm... I'm not even _me_, y'know? I'm... dead. I _should_ be dead. So why... why aren't I? Why can't I be? Why am I _scared_ to be?"

The fire mage wanted nothing more than to beg--the prideful and proud Flurry of Dancing Flames would have easily given in to falling to his knees and pleading--_Don't do this. Stop, please stop._ He couldn't. He couldn't move. The very madness that was overcoming the musician seemed to be the same thing forcing his feet against the ground, his mouth shut.

Demyx almost felt as if his thoughts, his words--his very emotions--weren't even quite his own. They _were_, of course they were--but not _his_. They were his _Other's_. No longer holding back, no longer in control, he was overcome by... passion. Yelling. Screaming. Demanding and vicious and angry. "_Why did she have to die, Axel! What the fuck did she ever do to anyone! Why should she die and I have to live with the memories! I never _did _anything to deserve this!_"

His stomach dropped heavily to the ground, nearly taking his legs with it. No. No, he couldn't take the information he was gaining, couldn't possibly listen or process or _want_ to understand--

Insanity. Absolute and raw insanity. Those were unquestionably _tears_ in Demyx's eyes even in the rain, balled-up fists trying in vain to made them stop. It shouldn't be possible. He didn't _want_ it to be possible. "Why wasn't I strong enough? Why didn't I fight harder? I should have been watching my back, I should have been watching--"

"Shut up!" the redhead managed to yell over him, taking advantage of the surprised glance by hitting Demyx hard across the face. He didn't mean to hurt him, would never have intentionally wounded him, but... but he _had_ to get him to _stop_...

The effect was immediate and brutal; the musician was already too far on the edge to feel the pain, but the instinct to retaliate burned too brightly to ignore. Axel only understood that he'd been knocked off his feet when he fell hard against the cobblestones, letting out a gasping sound of pain.

The blond was on him in a heartbeat, pinning him to the ground, both hands fisting around the neck of his coat as if somehow that would keep him anchored. "What did _you_ lose, Axel?" he demanded, cold savageness replacing any of the Demyx that the Organization had ever known. "Why don't _you_ want to remember?"

"Get off..!" his voice broke, and he knew it. No hearts, no emotions... Yeah, right. He was pretty damn sure what he was feeling right then was crushing, consuming _terror_. "Get _off_ of me." He tried again, feeling himself shake. That wasn't Number Nine. No way was that Demyx anywhere within those raging eyes...

His voice dropped, becoming far too soft for the madness enveloping him. "What can't _you_ face, Axel?"

"Stop it." He hated himself. How he _hated_ himself for being so weak. He couldn't bring himself to call his chakrams. He just couldn't lash out at the other and purposefully wound, hurt, destroy--

"Tell me." It had become a plea. All of the rage and pain bled away, suddenly focussed on certain desperation.

The redhead knew that he was breathing heavily, though he wasn't quite certain why. Flickers of images, sounds, smells--strange things were starting to eat at his consciousness. "I don't know."

"You're lying." Hissed and very matter-of-fact.

Axel's emerald eyes squeezed shut tightly against the assault of what could only be memories. "I don't remember!"

"By choice." Insisted, accused.

He swallowed a scream in his throat, shaking his head violently to purge the things he didn't want to know. "_Demyx!_ Dammit, _stop_!" His eyes opened with venom--softening quickly. The musician's gaze was a step beyond pleading, needy and hurting and _aching_ for... something...

"Hurt me, Axel." He whispered, trembling. "Please. Make me feel. Make me hurt and forget..."

The change was remarkable. The other Nobody was spiraling completely out of control. And, worse... out of reach. "N-not like that."

"Please." Demyx begged, his entire body shaking more violently. He needed proof... he needed to _feel_ something, to know he _existed_--somehow everything he'd just been through made him feel more empty than he thought he ever had, made him realize that things could never be as they were... "Or you can pretend I'm Rox--"

"Roxas is gone." It hurt to speak. Tore him up inside to admit. "We... we both have to... accept that."

It seemed to work, seemed to wake the blond a little from his raving insanity. "You don't believe that."

Seeing through the lie... it disturbed him a little. "No." He admitted, the truth burning him worse than any fire. It would be so much simpler if he could believe everything was over, that what was done was done and there was nothing he could ever do... but he didn't. There was still a chance to see Roxas again... and maybe to get him back. Damn the consequences. "But... you aren't Roxas. And you... don't have to... hurt to feel."

It was true. He knew that, he did, but... sometimes he just couldn't pretend anymore. Sometimes all of that awful _stuff_ he'd been covering up just... exploded... "I'm sorry." Only the ghost of a whisper as he lowered his head and looked away. "I didn't mean... I'm sorry."

Axel wasn't feeling himself, obviously. It wasn't like him _at all_, but... the kid was so busted up inside... "Hey, it's..." He actually bothered to search for words of comfort that he may have heard in life. "It's gonna be alright."

"Yeah." But he didn't sound convinced.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Smile, Dem."

He surprised them both when he did so, albeit tentative. It was probably... kind of a dumb move on his part, but... seeing as how he was already on top of the firestarter, he thought he may as well use him like a big pillow, relaxing. When the only protest he got was a faint grunt at the unexpectedness of the action, he felt a little more settled. "I _am_ sorry." He admitted carefully.

"I know." Axel responded with a sigh. "I... I guess I kinda understand. A little."

The musician nodded, cheek pressed against the redhead's shoulder. It was just... nice to be there. No one else would have let him do that... not that he _wanted_ to be near anyone else in the Organization. "Just hurts."

The fire mage would have become extremely aggravated if he'd consciously realized he'd let a hand rest on the blond's shoulder. He was too busy trying to keep the crashing thoughts away, the slivers of what could very well have been memories that he did not want back. It was becoming harder and harder to hold them at bay, those closer they all came to destruction.  
"Do you dream?" Demyx asked after a long moment, timid.

It actually took a few seconds to find the answer. "I think I do." He wasn't really sure if he always had... or at least he didn't remember anything resembling dreaming until after Roxas left... That seemed odd, somehow.

"What do you dream?" the blond pressed ever so carefully.

"I'm not sure." Axel responded, surprising himself with his own honesty. "I wake up and I don't remember." What he didn't want to say, but what he was uncomfortably certain that Demyx already knew, was that sometimes he woke up sweating. Hot and cold and panicked with a scream threatening to tear from his throat if only he'd take a breath and let it happen. He didn't. He couldn't.

"That proves it, though." The musician insisted confidently, lifting his head to meet the pyro's eyes. "We couldn't dream without _some_ heart."

The redhead managed to keep a shudder at bay. "Why are you still trying to convince me?"

"You need convincing!" Demyx smiled a little.

He sincerely couldn't help the weak grin spreading across his lips. It was almost enough to quell his stomach. "You mean _you_ still need convincing."

The blond pretended to pout. "I'm gathering evidence."

What followed was the silence of those trying to forget. Those days before the Organization members had started dropping like flies may not have been particularly _bright_, but they weren't as... cold. Despite the knowledge that they would someday have to do battle for their lives, there wasn't so much of the concern of nonexistence. They'd all believed Xemnas and his mad obsession with being whole again... but the realization that the Superior was just as lost and desperate--and completely _insane_--as the rest of them did not sit well. It was no wonder everyone else was still in denial... or at least found some other way to deal.

It was a strange time. A strange time full of strange occurrences, and moods that were stranger still. The possibility that they were all marching toward their death was far too real. It was... uncomfortable. In truth, it was... painful.

_Release_ was what they both needed. A moment to forget. Or at the very least ignore everything for the merest breadth of time. And, since they _both_ needed release, _both_ needed a moment's feigned ignorance...

The sudden removal of the hand that had been resting on his shoulder made Demyx look up, a worried expression on his face. He'd really hoped that Axel wouldn't mind a moment of just kinda... being close. He'd been hit enough times by the other Organization members for being in their space for too long, inviting himself to do too much... rejection from the firestarter would be devastating--

Axel gave a mild grin, reaching to pull his own gloves off. "I won't make you _hurt_, but..." he gave the blond a hungry gaze, "I _could_ make you feel really good." Besides... he was kinda owed top after last time.

The musician swallowed hard. He... wasn't used to that kind of an offer. Hell, he wasn't used to _offers_ at all. Things that were consensual and could potentially be turned down were a bit of a rarity for a Nobody. "C-could you..?"

Nervous like a virgin. The thought made the redhead chuckle a bit, reaching to unzip Demy's coat. "Absolutely."

The musician pulled back a little, looking uncertain. He knew what he'd done, not that long ago... and though they seemed to retain companionship, it was still... it was something he fully expected to be punished for. Even as his coat was parted, carefully. Even as a warm hand moved under the threadbare shirt he wore beneath it, fingertips tickling the flesh ever so slightly. "I d-don't... I'm not sure I..."

"S'okay." The firestarter sloughed off. If a Nobody learned anything very quickly, it was that they had to deal with pain and crazy. "I get it. Wish I could do it myself, sometimes, but..." he trailed off, not really even knowing what he was trying to say. He shook it off, shaking his head slightly. "Relax."

The rain picked a funny moment to pour in torrents upon them. (Though Axel suspected it was not entirely the _rain_ at work.) It was cool and wet and heavy, and a perfect distraction for the redhead to roll so that he was finally on top, pushing the coat open even further and pulling the shirt up--then he just watched. Watched the rain slide over the skin, pattering hard against flesh but not so hard as to hurt. He watched the blonde's hair sink a little, stick to his face. Watched what perhaps used to be tears wash away with the rain. Funny how that was all he let himself remember; rain. He'd always loved the rain, despite his more natural element.

"Axel..?" the voice was soft, wide deep jade eyes looking concerned.

He snapped out of his thoughts, plastering a decently realistic grin across his face and leaning back to unzip his own coat, thrown off his shoulders instantly. Couldn't think about it, couldn't let himself linger on things better left buried, abandoned. He dodged with a very subtle change of subject. "Can you breathe with all that rain in your face?"

"Oh, I'm fine!" Demyx looked as bright as always, hands utterly shameless as they unfastened _both_ of their pants.

"Impressive." The redhead quipped. His hair was drooping, spikes dripping, a weight upon his head... strangely appropriate, though he certainly didn't want to say so. Instead, he rocked back and stood up, quickly sliding the pants down his legs. "Boots on?"

"Oh, let's live a little." The musician laughed a bit. "No boots!"

Axel shook his head, astounded. Two heartless half-beings that shouldn't be possible, on a non-existent cobblestone alley in a world that wasn't real, fighting against their heads filled with the idea that they had no emotions, about to screw in a downpour--and they were both quite enjoying it. _If you were still here, Rox, you'd call us both loons and be done with us._ It was a bittersweet thought--and not one he could dwell on. Not-so-gentle yanks got the boots off of his feet before he crouched and started tugging at Demyx's.

While the blond retained some slight nervousness, he certainly wasn't shy. As Axel worked on his footwear, he sat up and slid out of the coat, letting it fall back to the ground as a cover over the rough cobblestones. His shirt was pulled over his head and tossed somewhere over his shoulder before he supported himself on his hands for easier pant removal.

The fire mage actually _laughed_ when he looked at the sight. Demyx drenched in rain, naked and grinning like he'd just discovered the goddamn secret of life, was... infectious.

"You want me..." a quiet murmur that didn't even carry above the rain; words of wonder, amazement and something akin to both shock and enthrallment. The words did not quite form a question, nor quite a statement; not even meant to have been uttered, and yet... There was the lightest flicker of an unmasked smile on his face with that very thought.

Axel wasn't quite sure he heard, and certainly wasn't about to pause and take the time to understand--he placed both hands on the blond's shoulders and pressed him down against the coat, nuzzling the damp, cool skin of his neck. He felt the sigh below him rather than heard it, gently prodding the slender legs apart with his own knee and giving a light nip to that pale expanse of shoulder before resting between them. He stared down at the slightly parted lips, allowing his mind to wander for only a moment; he used to kiss Roxas.

"You don't have to..." another whisper from the musician, thinking nothing of that confusing ability to pick up on the other's thoughts from time to time. When they were "spoken" loudly enough... He wasn't even aware it happened, really.

The redhead would never have admitted such a thing, and found himself a little annoyed that he was even _thinking_ it... he _wanted_ to kiss Demyx. But not to pretend he was Roxas. And not to replace the memory of Roxas, either. He shoved the near-realization away, burying it like everything else he didn't care to think about. There were other things to spend time on, better things to be doing--one of which causing the blond below him to moan in a musical sort of way.

He wasn't used to being touched so delicately, nor was he quite expecting a hand to wrap so firmly around his arousal and start stroking immediately. Mouth open to gasp, his eyes closed on their own as an entirely too-hot tongue languidly began to lap against his chest.

Axel was delighting in the reactions--shivers, the twitch of each muscle under his assault--and most specifically, the sounds. The noises the blond made were like sung hymns from far above, voice of a nonexistent angel. He pulled back just enough to grin. "Beautiful." He commented to himself, drowned out by growling thunder. An insane request came to mind as he breathed with purpose across the musician's pulse. "Sing for me."

Sing..? He didn't understand--until the tongue trailed lower, teasing his abdomen and then his navel with careful nips acting as pauses for breath. The firestarter was tuning him in preparation to play him like an instrument... Realizing what was meant, he could only nod furiously as the heat rested a mere hair's breadth away from what had suddenly become the center of his being--

"Sing for me..." the redhead repeated, lips ghosting the silken flesh beneath, never quite kissing, not quite even touching...

When Demyx's mouth next opened, his voice was a lovely, though slightly shaky, lingering note. _Words_ were not coming, but there was still music from his voice.

Axel shivered, glad that the jade eyes were closed against it. The other Nobody's voice wasn't at all like his sitar--the strings were often picked in fast precision, several strings at once all working themselves into a melodic storm. His voice, however... it was smooth and full, moving slowly over his senses. To his knowledge, Demyx normally did not sing. It was a shame.

The next ringing note caught harshly when moist warmth enveloped him. He shuddered in pleasure, feeling his body heat along with it. The raindrops seemed colder, then--but it made for the perfect play against his skin. Cool rain over a too-warm body was as perfect as the odd song weaving in his head. What he wouldn't have given for his sitar right then and there--

Wrapping his tongue around the base of the shaft brought another strangled, musical cry, and Axel could not be more proud of learning his instrument in such a short period of time. It was fortunate, considering his disappearing patience. He pulled away slowly, letting his tongue roam across the length as he went. Crawling up the body beneath, letting himself lay down against it, chest against chest, need against need--the rain was particularly necessary to keep them both from burning. Without thought, he pressed their lips together.

It was a surprise, actually. Taking a breath for the next desperate note, he'd noticed only that he was unable to fill his lungs at first--realizing _why_ knocked the rest of his breath away. That heat was filling his mouth, tongues meeting--rough and smooth and forceful and delicate, burning, purging... When the other's mouth pulled away, Demyx rushed to catch it again, arms wrapping around the fire mage's shoulders and bringing him back down.

Axel managed what may have been the beginning of a surprised curse, melting with even more surprise into the kiss initiated from below. Hearts or no hearts, it certainly made him believe that _passion_ could run through them. Suddenly he was more than ready to finalize their encounter. Pulling away was hard... but by far not the hardest thing about the situation. The very thought made him chuckle as he spoke. "Got any..?" He hadn't really felt the need to carry some variation of "emergency lubricant" for those wonderful surprise fucks in a random hallway for quite some time.

Demyx's eyes twinkled, a playful bit of mischievousness brewing within them. "It's raining, isn't it?"

His head tilted slightly. Water was certainly no lubricant... though, the musician _did_ control the element. Well, if he insisted. Gazing up, he took a steadying breath as the water coursed down his body and over his aching arousal, not flinching a bit with the cold nor the heavy raindrops. True, he did wish Roxas was there with him... but only to help continue drawing music from the other's voice.

No matter. _They_ were there, and they were in need of some damn release. Axel crouched over the musician, pulling his legs up and further apart slowly, lightly running his palms along the smooth thighs. "Keep singing." He requested softly.

Jade eyes closed, breath coming faster with the knowledge of what would come. A soft moan evolved into a hum, then an all-out cry of pain and pleasure when the firestarter began to press the head of his arousal against his unprepared entrance.

The redhead grinned, glad to see the reaction to his tease. He pulled back a bit to catch rain in his palm and prepare the Nobody beneath--

"N-no..." the blonde gasped. "Keep going."

The request surprised him. Of all the people he hadn't expected to appreciate that kind of pain... "Are you sure?"

Demyx nodded, humming in his throat. "Used to it..." he seemed to admit secretly. "But I... I trust you..."

Despite his attempt at keeping his expression neutral, Axel's eyes widened. He felt like he'd just been hit in the face. And, very oddly... he wasn't pissed off about it for some reason. He left the sentiment without comment, instead shifting a little closer to the musician to honor his request. Again pressing himself against the entrance of that tight heat, he very nearly caught himself humming along with the long note torn from the blond beneath. Pressing harder, the tone changed and warbled until it finally broke altogether as the head made its way inside.

There was a pause, allowing Demyx a breath. He took his opportunity, lungs filling an instant before the burning erupted within him as he was slowly filled, causing his fists to clench harder on the coat underneath. Somewhere in the back of his mind came the realization that he was still wearing his gloves--not that it mattered in the slightest. Caught in a desperate trap between pain and pleasure, suffocating memories and promises that could never be made, his mind turned blank--and a song came through the thoughtless swirl of sensation.

_"Quell this ache..."_ the firestarter recognized the words somehow. It was a smooth, guttural language that he was sure he'd never heard before, but he _understood_ the words... _I can't._ He replied silently, finally sliding all the way inside with the utmost care. _But I can distract us, for a while._

Demyx paused for long enough to gasp, pain and pleasure blending as his throat constricted for a moment around the feeling. As Axel pulled away slowly, sliding nearly all the way outside again, his song continued mindlessly.

_"My heart's on the mend..."_ the redhead heard, that same foreign language that he was certain he'd never learned. It was bad--it was bad because he _understood_, but the voice from which it came was so fucking beautiful. Looking down into the rain-drenched face, eyes tightly closed, head back, mouth open, that lithe body glistening with raindrops and nonexistent light... _he_ was fucking beautiful, too. Beautiful like Roxas, because what rested right under the surface... was death. Finality. Destruction. The musician merely hid it better than the rest.

_"I'm no longer pretending..."_ came the next eloquent wail with the first torturously slow thrust, _"That I have a soul..."_

Axel tried desperately not to listen, trying to block the words that he shouldn't have even known from his mind. Eyes closed, he concentrated on the tight heat thoroughly surrounding him, the feel of water that did not seem to quite _act_ like water as it made the slide easier. It was beautiful. It was beautiful, but the song was wrong...

_"I love you and I want to learn to resist you..."_ Those lines would have given the fire mage pause had he not been so single-mindedly intent upon purging their meaning from his mind. He attempted a different tactic instead; shifting his legs to take a better stance in order to drill the blond senseless.

_That_ seemed to work. Demyx's words drowned in a series of musical cries, the sudden speeding pace throwing off all of his rhythm. Not that he would have complained even if he'd found a way to do so; the long, flowering operatics of the musician's earlier vocals had become fast, pure staccatos of sound. A different song for a different mood.

Screwing him to silence. Axel willed himself to laugh, but he was already working too hard on other matters at hand. _Angle_, for instance. Damned if he was going to cum first--and he felt it edging toward him at quite an alarming speed.

Lucky for both of them, the musician wasn't far off either. His legs were pulled even further apart, pulled in closer, body resting somewhat half in the redhead's lap and half still on his coat. Panting, gasping, moaning, calling, needing--and then it stopped. Demyx winced at first, thinking perhaps something terrible had happened or there'd been a change of mind, but... when seconds passed by, he finally opened his eyes. They widened with the intensity they saw in the emerald orbs gazing back.

If there was one thing Number Eight had, it was instinct. He moved by instinct, gauging things with his senses and then allowing whatever partial instinct or magic or whatever the fuck he had to lead him the rest of the way. Instinct had made him pause--then grasp the Melodious Nocturne's hands. Still curled into fists in surprise rather than simple aching pleasure, it took a moment to get their grip to relax. Ignoring the increasingly puzzled look he was getting, he merely peeled the gloves off and tossed them elsewhere.

It was well beyond comprehensible. The blond didn't understand, much less see the point--until he was lifted up, still fully impaled, bringing his chest up against Axel's. On instinct, he wrapped his arms around the other's neck, legs wrapping over hips and around.

It felt like a strangely forbidden thing for both of them. They were well aware that the first encounter in an alley was... impersonal, to say the least. In the rain, they'd stripped many layers in many ways... and being completely naked in so very many senses seemed only natural to that end.

Demyx allowed himself to run his naked hands along the firestarter's back and shoulders, eliciting a moan from both as the rocking began anew. Axel lead, but the musician was quick to follow, bouncing to a rhythm they seemed to agree upon. The angle was perfect, the low breaths into the redhead's ears were excellent; they toppled at some undetermined point, completely and totally spent without really even knowing what had gotten them that far in the first place.

They were both sprawled together, still intertwined, listening to the mild growls of thunder that sounded further away than they had any right to be. The lingering heat, both inside and outside, made the rain feel cold. It wasn't at all _unpleasant_, but it made each individual raindrop stand out as it struck skin and fragmented, dripping down.

Incomplete, still. But... a little less so than they were before.

In a vague, tired line of thought, Axel attempted to figure out just why that had happened as it did. Must have been unconscious memories. Those things better left forgotten--until one crashed into him without any warning, without an invitation. It was strangely simple, a stupid phrase he didn't recognize as a Nobody but knew his Other would have.

_Singin' in the rain..._ All of a sudden he just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. He was too proud for that... too proud, too wounded, and already a little too numb. He settled, instead, for listening to the musician catch his breath in a perfect, slowing rhythm. So much for the rain washing away all of their sins.

* * *

...I am apparently very screwed up in the head area... and honestly, I have no idea where this came from... but I like it. One more chapter to go, methinks. I feel I should apologize for inserting my own lyrics to a song I haven't even started and don't think I'll ever be able to finish in the way I'd like to, but... I'm not gonna. I found the lyrics to fit, what can I say.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


	4. Heart and Soul: Fate

"Heart and Soul" and the general wrongness that is "Heart and Soul" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. Square-Enix and Disney own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2 and the characters contained within... but I wish I did. I wish a lot of things, though. I wish donuts fell from the sky on occasion. But not all the time, 'cause that'd kinda suck.

"Warning" before reading: Okay, this definitely has spoilers for _Kingdom Hearts 2_. And chances are... you probably know what's coming, so... it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay. Just so everyone knows, there will be a "bonus" epilogue very soon.

Heart and Soul: Fate  
by Orin Drake

It was like any other mission card received from Xigbar--handed over with a whap on the shoulder and a big grin, while Demyx rolled his eyes and tried not to groan too loudly. Yeah, great. Another mission. Why couldn't he get missions to just explore worlds that had good music? Or at the very least decent food. He didn't bother to so much as glance at the card until he was halfway down the hall.

He stopped short. Absolutely motionless. "Uh..." He turned, calling to Xigbar's retreating back, "You're sending the wrong guy!"

The freeshooter didn't even bother to turn around. He'd heard it all before. "Orders are orders."

"But you're most _definitely_, _without_ a doubt, _totally_ sending the _wrong guy_!" he insisted with desperation.

Xigbar only scoffed, disappearing through the door at the end of the hall.

* * *

Axel was never hard to find, really. Not unless he really _intended_ to be, which was usually far too boring for the redhead. Often times he would be spying on Sora, or out on some "task" that didn't involve a mission and he'd never elaborate on, but... usually, he would be in the alleys. Practicing. Fighting. Dancing, with his weapons, with fire, as if it could all make him forget.

Things had happened, though. Over the past few weeks, Demyx and Axel had fallen into a comfortable companionship... though mostly in passing. The blonde had seen the fire mage less and less, and the worry of him disappearing altogether was almost too much to bear. Axel was the only one...

Maybe it was luck. Maybe it was fate. The musician had just turned around to go back to the castle, having roamed the streets of the World That Never Was for hours only to find--

"Hey, Demyx." A nearly friendly call, stepping out from a dark gateway of his own creation. Axel's grin was a lot more subtle than it had been, weeks prior... but that could have been the play of firelight against his skin when he ignited a chakram and tossed it casually into the air. Turning and catching the weapon without the need to give it a second glance, he looked to be at perfect ease.

Or would have, to most. The blonde only felt his stomach tense as he held the small, unforced smile in place. Regardless of knowing something was "off", he couldn't help but be glad to see the pyro. He just... he _needed_ it, before... "Hey, Axel."

The firestarter was no idiot, either; he knew something was "off" just as much with the musician... though he wasn't quite willing to ask again. Besides, he... hadn't come back to ask. He'd returned to find Demyx, to... well, he... Things he'd done. Things he'd become. With Roxas, and without. And the stuff with Kairi... it was time to leave. Maybe Roxas had been right all along.

The blond realized it, then, stopping with a sudden jolt a few feet away. Axel had come back to say good-bye. And he... he wondered if he wasn't there to do the same thing. "I... I have orders." He finally managed, stepping closer and swallowing hard as he pulled the written orders from his pocket. "To kill Sora."

Axel stared at the card... but couldn't find it in himself to reach for it. Numb horror filled him, weighing him down. The useless mission. The death sentence veiled in a noble command.

Silence passed between them, made even more empty by the rare lack of rain. Neither set of eyes could find the strength to lift from the ground--the finality of it all was a tangible, heavy burden. Regardless of what was to follow... this, what and where and how they were right then and there... was over.

Completely and sincerely tender. Demyx didn't even feel the ungloved hand against his cheek at first, its touch so perfectly delicate; until it pressed a little more, tilting his head and--

The gentle kiss seemed to have surprised the initiator as much as the boy on the receiving end. Even so, it was light, careful... quick and yet lingering. It was... their _proof_. Even if no one else would ever believe.

Nothing was said. The silence was by far more profound than anything that could have been spoken. They nodded to one another... then parted ways through the darkness.

* * *

Demyx sat waiting on a low cliff, watching the Heartless gather around Hollow Bastion. He knew Sora would come, passing through just underneath him on his way to being a hero. The Nobody knew that he wouldn't be recognized... and a battle would follow.

He was... he was _afraid_, dammit. Afraid to live, afraid to die--because neither would be honest anymore. He wasn't alive _or_ dead... he wasn't even supposed to _exist_--but he _did_ exist, somehow. He was _real_ in some sense, they all were... No one knew what happened to a Nobody, after... Well, Xemnas certainly had his own ideas. But, even if no one was willing to say it... they all had their concerns. One learned quickly not to voice such things, though.

He just didn't see the point in killing Sora. Roxas hadn't _betrayed_ anyone... he only went out to do what they all wanted so badly: to find his heart. Just because the kid had the unfair advantage of actually being able to find his whole heart...

Demyx sighed and summoned his sitar, strumming a few, quiet notes. He envied Axel for having the strength to leave. Yeah, there was a chance Saix would catch him, but... he truly doubted the berserker would ever get the chance. Axel was crafty, and strong, and... and when he had a goal in mind, there was no stopping him. Demyx just... wished he could be the same way. Wished he weren't so damn afraid.

He could abandon the Organization, too. He knew that. It probably wouldn't be terribly expected of him, and so he might even get away with it. Find Axel, run and try to exist elsewhere... but... To be truly honest with himself, he wasn't sure he wanted to live as a Nobody any longer. Wouldn't it just... wouldn't it be better to... die, rather than live as a shell? They somehow still had hearts, yes, he honestly believed that, but... there was still so much missing. He was half himself at best. He'd lost half of his very meaning. A half that clearly could not be obtained no matter the time and effort spent trying.

The thought of not existing anymore at all, though... it scared him. Truly, he wanted nothing more than to find _something_ after all of the pain, the fighting. Heaven would be preferable... but he wondered, with a quiet humming along of a few chords repeated over and over, if Hell was just as likely.

It was all a state of mind, he told himself. Heaven or hell... was all in how you viewed it, the condition of your soul when you died... But, when _had_ he died? _Was_ he dead? Was he _in_ Hell? There were times when he wondered... And... did he even have a soul any longer..? Was he even capable of _having_ a _state of mind_?

Maybe it didn't matter, really. He hadn't lived long as a Nobody, compared to so many of the others... but it was already getting unbearable. Cracks had formed, clearly... he simply wasn't sure if--

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. There, below him, was the Keyblade Master. And one thing was certain: win or lose, he was _not_ getting turned into a Dusk.

* * *

It was slightly unfortunate that he'd never really gotten used to using the tunnels of darkness. Really, if he hadn't been so utterly disoriented, he might have made a more fearsome entrance. Considering he arrived not only closer to Sora and his battle-ready pals, but forgot to look decently frightening as well... it just didn't really work. So he tried the only tactic that came to mind--being friendly. "Hey. You guys are looking lively."

And what did he get out of that? A _duck_, _yelled_ at him. And Sora called him a _wimp_!

Well, it wasn't like he was unused to that kind of treatment, but still! Demyx did what he could to slough it off, going instead for a scare tactic--ninja skills. Very unsuccessful ones, it appeared.

Then the kid had the nerve to insult his fighting ability. Not to mention the duck being bitchy and everything... geez, how rude. The musician almost felt like he was reminding a group of little kids or something, "You shouldn't judge anyone by appearance."

_That_ certainly didn't work. It only seemed to make the Keyblade Master and his weird animal companions more intent on fighting... and fighting was not something Demyx appreciated. Even as he was trying his damnedest not to run the hell away, he mumbled to himself, "I told them they were sending the wrong guy..."

But when Sora insisted that Nobodies didn't have hearts... that got the blond to turn back. Roxas was in there somewhere... even if he couldn't appeal to Sora, perhaps... "Oh, we do too have hearts! Don't be mad."

That duck again. That damn _duck_. How dare the foul imply that Demyx would _ever_ try to _trick_ Roxas! They didn't understand, they just couldn't understand! Would they ever be able to comprehend not one but _two_ existences crumbling down around them, each time reaching out and finding no hands to grasp because everyone else was just as helpless, just as broken and unsure! Would they ever know the tearing not-quite-heartache of not being whole, desperate to be filled and yet brimming with harshness and memory and overwhelming _things_ that no one should ever have to try and understand! Who were they, _ever_, to be so callous?

Even though he _knew_ it was Sora ready to fight him, even though the boy was clearly a completely unique identity... he could see Roxas in those eyes. Could almost hear Roxas' voice even in the words, the intonation...

And then the reality of the unreal truly, thoroughly, hit. There was nothing Demyx could do to save any of them from the impending battle. No matter what he tried, regardless of the choices before him at that very moment... his fate was already decided. The time to change it had passed without so much as a whisper of warning. He felt... so helpless. Powerless. And, really, to make things even worse... maybe he _didn't_ even exist. Maybe... his heart was only an illusion.

Anger. Vile, hateful _rage_. Had he been in a stable frame of mind, he'd have used that to prove it--_prove_ they had hearts, that he could _feel_, but... too far. Too little. Much, much too late.

So. Maybe Roxas _wasn't_ there anymore. He was just as nonexistent as the rest of them. Fine. "Silence, traitor."

* * *

More than a battle--what happened between them was _war_. The musician seemed to forget about having been a pacifist, unleashing every thread of power and potential that had made his heart strong to begin with. He hadn't the presence of mind to realize how twisted his principles had become--Sora was The Enemy, and that was all he knew.

Move for move matched; more than exchanging hits, it was brutal beating for brutal beating before either broke away. Using music for violence... Demyx should have been horrified.

The horror finally came with a gasping, wet cry of pain--Sora's. Something had been broken in his chest from the impact of the sitar, and that realization was what finally made the blond cringe. The rest was too quick, too fast to understand. Cure spells, potions... and a swift, searing flash of light.

It was a slip. A slip on the Nobody's part, and a skillfully executed move on the part of the Keyblade Master... He knew, even before the blade struck its final blow, that he'd lost. On impact, it all simply felt... cold. No real pain, not even the raw and terrifying feel of the blade through his flesh--just... cold.

Fear. As he fell to his knees in physical weakness and shock, it was fear. He was dying. He didn't know what was going to happen, and he was so goddamn _afraid_ that... that...

He was fading. He could feel himself slowly _ceasing to be_... So scared. He was only aware of the familiar weight of the sitar disappearing from his hand, becoming nothing, falling away... _Axel... Roxas... what now?_

Sensation began to fade out with the rest of him. His hearing was gone, numbness flooding his limbs, sight darkening. The cold become a tangible thing, enwrapping him like the tunnels of darkness--only...

Only... in the darkness... was _Light_.

His body was giving out, knocking his legs out from under him, body and mind separating as he let out a howl; but the realization of light in the darkness gave him the strength to gaze up through the hazy darkness his vision had become, at the one who'd defeated him. What he saw there... it was _Roxas_, looking back. Roxas was clear as day, while the rest was almost too dark to see. Looking sad and angry and horrified, but... gentle. Very, very gentle. There was the hint of a smile there. A nod. An indication that it was all... okay. Everything was going to be okay.

_Home._ Beyond a word. So much more than an idea.

In the last instant of his half-existence... his heart leapt.

* * *

Axel... had been witness. He'd been watching in the shadows of a cliffside, one hand full of flaming chakram... the other, firmly placed over his mouth. It was a gesture entirely uncharacteristic of him, but he couldn't help it. It was... it was the only thing he could _do_. He'd been damn good and ready to jump in himself--

Nothing he could have done would have made anything better. It was an awful, tearing realization. He obviously couldn't kill Sora, uncertain as to whether he would be able to pull Roxas out of death (and to kill Roxas, accidentally or otherwise, would have been far beyond unforgivable). He could have tried to turn the boy into a Heartless again, but there was... something telling him how wrong that was. How horrible that would be for both Sora and Roxas.

And if he'd saved Demyx, just shown up and stolen him away... the musician never would have forgiven him. It was unspoken, but... they'd known. From that moment Demyx had told him of his last orders... this, what had just happened in front of him, had been the opportunity. _This_... wasn't suicide so much as... mercy. As screwed up as that was. As horrifying as their half-logic had become.

But _why_... why had Xemnas sent the musician to the slaughter so soon? Axel knew that they were all on the chopping block, to distract Sora as much as to keep testing his skill, but... it was an unnecessary loss.

He tried to laugh through his gloved hand. It sounded strangely like a sob--but it wasn't. No, he... he didn't have a heart. None of them did. He didn't have emotion. He would just have to believe that for a while. Though... he thought that maybe he believed a Nobody wasn't _really_ nobody if _somebody_ thought them _real_. Even if that _somebody_ was a Nobody. And the swirling thoughts hurt in numerous ways and made him sick and dizzy and wanting very much to just... stop.

He'd been selfish. Enormously, ungratefully, inexcusably selfish. He was a fool to have tried to keep Roxas away from the very thing they all desired more than anything... even more than one another. But he was more a fool to have tried to destroy Sora's life, to steal Kairi and come up with a plan to rip the Keyblade Master's Nobody away for himself.

Sora had done no wrong. He was trying to _save everything_, not... tear it all asunder for his own insane, misguided reasons. Xemnas had strayed so far from his Other's true wishes... and he'd managed to drag the other Organization members along with him for too long.

No, Axel didn't want to die. But neither did he want other worlds to suffer. Other Nobodies to wonder what they did to deserve such unthinkable punishment, feeling incomplete and broken for their whole nonexistence. He would simply have to be careful, to keep one step ahead of everyone.

Sora. To help Sora would be to help Roxas. And, even if he were never able to see Roxas again... it was something that the boy _had_ to do, join with his Other. He was lucky that the other part of his heart waited for him, protected in capable hands. Of course they were capable--they were half his own.

* * *

First off, yes, there will be an epilogue to officially end this thing. Within a few days, even. There will be more notes there, because to say anything else here would be... inappropriate.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


	5. Heart and Soul: Epilogue

"Heart and Soul" and the general wrongness that is "Heart and Soul" are completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. Square-Enix and Disney own Kingdom Hearts, Kingdom Hearts 2 and the characters contained within... but I wish I did. I wish a lot of things, though. I wish donuts fell from the sky on occasion. But not all the time, 'cause that'd kinda suck.

Background: Well... I suppose this turned more into another chapter than an epilogue, but... we can pretend, can't we? Of course we can.

Heart and Soul: Epilogue  
by Orin Drake

Somewhat regaining himself from being witness to Demyx's final battle, Axel appeared quite "spontaneously" to offer up the information needed by the Keyblade Master. Of course, help came in that cocky, bitchy way of his that had often driven Roxas into death glares (and it was nice to know that he hadn't lost his touch)--but even when he was trying to help, he could only be so openly helpful.

He ran when Saix found him, hoping he'd done enough, said enough. He'd do what he could between escapes.

* * *

What followed were days of cat and mouse, Axel running. Watching, sometimes... spying or just making sure, checking in quickly at a quiet moment, from a distance. He discovered that sleep was blissfully unnecessary, though he'd have liked to rest. But to stop and think, to relax in the least bit... would not have been good.

He'd even passed that boy, once, on his way through a dead world... Riku. Though he didn't _look_ like Riku, the firestarter was still able to sense the reality beneath the mask. They hadn't quite found words for one another, but they hadn't needed much in the way of verbal communication. It was a long, steady look on both of their parts--eyes roaming, gauging, carefully judging every threat and possibility.

Then gold eyes snapped up to meet emerald green. It took the redhead all of his concentration not to cringe at how deeply penetrating the gaze really was. How he managed to return the look was only a matter of willpower; he'd just been through too much to back down.

Riku wasn't looking for a confrontation, though. Only an... assurance. Simply to gaze upon the Nobody that had been so close to the other part of Sora.

Axel could only stare in silence when the boy stepped past him and walked into another dark gateway without so much as a word. Was that... _acceptance_, he wondered... He chuckled quietly to himself. Oh, how far he'd fallen. Even the legendary Keyblade Master of Darkness passed him by without incident.

* * *

The fated heroes had made it to Betwixt and Between, but to make it past... well, he knew he had to help. Sora was powerful, but there was no way he could stand up to so many Dusks at once. And, strangely enough... he was glad to offer himself.

It wasn't suicide. It was fulfilling the promise made to Demyx... and the promise his heart had made to Roxas, even if it were only partially there to begin with.

It was... strange, how he wasn't afraid. He thought he _should_ have been afraid; devastated, quaking, sick with fear... but there was only certainty. Knowing what was right. Knowing that what he did... would ensure that Sora had a chance to end this. All of this. And maybe... maybe he and Roxas could be... happy.

Axel wasn't a hero. But he was in service to his heart--because _his heart_ was what ultimately told him what to do. "Watch this!"

* * *

Weird, and... uneven, and... cold, and... dark beyond Darkness. He had to have been close to death, hallucinating, because he thought he saw a pinprick of... light...

"You're... fading away..." Sora's voice, sounding oddly... sad.

Yes, Axel assumed he must be by that point. He couldn't move very well... breathing was getting harder... And yet, he was still _Axel_ in the end. "Well, that's what happens when you put your whole being into an attack. You know what I mean? Not that Nobodies actually _have_ beings... right?" Silly. So silly... but there were other things to attend to--things that Sora had gotten there in the first place to do. "Anyway, I digress. Go, find Kairi. Oh, almost forgot... sorry for what I did to her."

Those not-quite-familiar blue eyes looked so... regretful... "When we find her, you can tell her that yourself."

It actually kinda... hurt to see him that way. Not that the firestarter would admit it, even then. "Think I'll pass. My heart just wouldn't be in it, you know? Haven't got one." He tried to laugh, tried to be reassuring...

Those endless blue eyes just wouldn't stop being so... alive. So full of emotion... of pain... "Axel, what were you trying to do?"

Well, it wasn't as if he had anything left to hide, was there? "I wanted to see Roxas." He admitted. "He... was the only one I liked... He made me feel... like I had a heart. It's kind of... funny... You make me feel... the same..."

--No. No, he just... he couldn't. There wasn't time to reflect on that feeling, on what he'd very nearly admitted; no time to be selfish any longer. Axel would have been surprised at how easily he tossed himself aside for just the hope that Roxas... that _Sora_... would continue on. "Kairi's in the castle dungeon. Now go."

His last breath was spent opening the portal. It was all the energy left in him... all the non-being he still retained. Only darkness waited past his hand... though, if he concentrated hard enough, he swore he could _feel_ that little point of... of _light_...

_"Wait for me."_ He heard--he _knew_ he heard it--as he faded away. _"I'll be there, some day."_

Roxas. It was Roxas. He felt... he... _felt_... _We'll be there, kid. No rush. You just kick some ass, okay?_

A heart can feel a smile. Even if the smile existed in another time and place. Just like a heart can feel two smiles meant for it at once.

* * *

_Some day, there will be a landscape. A garden. An ocean._

_Some day, the Door of Light will never have to be closed again._

_Some day, we will all be together again, because that is the nature of love._

_It wasn't for nothing. Hearts, memories, souls--they are not lost. They cannot _be _lost._

_The wait may be a long one. But it will happen. We'll rest upon the water's edge, and dream..._

* * *

--------------------------------

* * *

Laughter, soft and musical. A smile. A greeting nod. "And..?"

A cocky smirk answered first. "I think... yeah. Yeah. You feel it?"

A pause... then a grin. "Yeah. I feel it."

* * *

Thank you for reading. Thank you for liking it, or hating it--just thank you for reading.

I know, it's rather random and disjointed for an epilogue... but that was kind of intentional. Sort of... snippets of time, looked back on. And that last bit..? Honestly, I'm not sure yet. I'll have to think about it.

I like philosophy. I also like an ending that sticks with me. I didn't knowingly write one, but reading back on it... I can't really believe I wrote _any_ of this. Maybe I didn't. I blame Demyx. (Thanks, dude. I'm sorry I celebrated kicking your ass in the game... almost.) If I have to be completely honest, then... yes, I had an emotional reaction. Don't tell anyone, though.

Okay, so... here's my "tiny little rant" at the end of this thing. As kinda-sad as the ending is, I really wanted to convey that _there is hope_. A nonexistent life is tragic for a Nobody, but death is like a home-coming; heart and soul and _essence_ reunited. I gotta believe. Some of the Organization did some truly bad things... but I'd dare to say that all of them only got caught up in their situations, in their confusion that ultimately became blind desperation. Eventually, yes, they were all reckless and out to get Sora. But I think Axel proved it most of all--what lies inside of them is still human, still alive and in some sense _feeling_, even if it isn't technically a heart. They all fought Sora and lost, so... who's to say that they didn't suffer the same realizations at the end and throw their own final battles?

I've come to believe that a Nobody makes their own heart. Through thought and prayer and hope, to casually _almost_ rip off _The Simpsons_. There's something to the very idea that they'd _know_ they weren't whole in the first place--and you can't long for something without a heart. You can't long for a heart without longing _with_ a heart... or what would pass for a heart, anyway. No, Nobodies are not whole beings... but they _are beings_. They _matter_. They _exist_ in their own nonexistence--and that's what's truly tragic, because they _know_ they aren't whole.

I think that what separates sentient beings from "things" is simply the knowledge that "_I_ am not a thing." So... yeah. Nobodies. Have distinct understanding of their own existence. Recall Roxas' reaction to the realization that he was only a part of Sora, to the idea that he wasn't actually an individual. Axel's reaction to Roxas leaving in the first place; they have desires, they can _miss_ things, people--other Nobodies. If they didn't have a heart, it wouldn't break.

And yes, I think about these things. Video games are mythology, the characters are new masks for old archetypes. If anything, I'm a student in the Joseph Campbell tradition. In fact, you can check out Gamer Bitch at reignofangels(dot)com(backslash)gamerbitch for a few older articles of similar content, but mostly it's rambling. Lots of rambling. Like this, but more.

And now for some less intellectual stuff. I love Demyx. Maybe it's because I'm a musician, too. And he's kinda got that cute, sweet-hearted psychopath thing going on. Hey, whatever. And Axel, well... what can I say. I've got a soft spot for tall, skinny redheads named Axel/Axl. Especially in black leather. But I digress; he just damn well grew on me. And I happen to have enjoyed Roxas a hell of a lot. Angry kid--for good reason. I happen to see the three of them as pretty much the only ones that had a chance of escaping their fates... which obviously didn't happen in the game. But... that's what fan fiction is for.

And if you made it all the way through these notes? You're just awesome. grin Thank you. This story was a pleasure to write.

If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of.


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